Transmission from a dream
On shame and love, and how queerness helps
i keep dreaming about sex-uationships i’ve had with men the part of me that wants to go back and win them over or “fix” something about myself so they’ll see me as more than just my sex is there making things complicated. it’s hard to look back fondly on a reality that often felt sharp and painful at the time; for so long i defined myself based on what men wanted from me which mostly was sex and second most seemed to be that i would just be there for them on a whim no matter what but now in my 30s i have woken up; as i have many mornings from these dreams realizing that this version of me feels like a shell full of longing, a shell of a person, a person who would still maybe be here waiting for a man no matter what. being queer has helped with this queerness is an identity i can embrace that equally embraces me, all of me, it swallows all my “flaws” and spits out mens’ dreams. ive always been a lover (not a hater i swear. even of men) and im not willing to give up that part of my identity that sometimes slips and loses myself in love— i think queerness honors that. now i am in a long-term relationship that is beautiful but it has taken years to put my own needs first and even figure out what those needs are. he is the most kind, loving, patient and supportive person and i trust him with more than my heart. but i still tend to wonder what his dreams are before sharing mine im getting better at turning towards myself by default and after all this time together in an equal partnership, sometimes i feel “single” because i guess that’s how i want to feel i want to be and continue to become my own person when the shame of my past creeps in through my dreams at night i often shrug it off chalk it up to missing something real about that person who never got to see the real me because i was stuck being something else for them life moves in cycles but now that i am out of that particular one it keeps coming back around to remind me something maybe that im worth more than a man any day maybe that i still need to take sacred space to know myself to be myself especially in this new, queer iteration certainly how i relate to gender (my own and other people’s) is so different then it was before i feel like there are bridges where there used to be walls and im going to keep crossing them and understanding myself better even when my dreams like to remind me of past versions of myself that just wanted to be seen i see you bb <3 xo